Today; breathing

February 11, 2013

An online friend had a post that invoked a reflection of mine that I would like to share;


Hi M@%%6(*h,

From all the meditation/bodywork/teachings, etc…it seems to all boil down to what you said; breathing with the present moment. I did a week-long solitary, meditation retreat about two years back and all I did was sob uncontrollably, the ENTIRE TIME! It was brutal, exhausting. I thought I was truly going to have a heart attack. It would be great if I could say that I emerged with some better knowledge or wisdom; but I didn’t. I simply left that retreat more grounded in my body; meaning more connected to the physical life of my body, especially the pain.

I was sobbing from all my past experiences of pain that I had tried to fend off, lock up, repress… and finally, the dam had broke. I was also recently separated from my wife who I loved unconditionally. The one person who seemed to understand me. And my heart was weeping, but I thought it too much to bear at the time so I walled it off (unconsciously).

On a daily basis, I sit, and I breathe. Without expectation of enlightenment or being visited by external deities and overwhelming love and compassion,etc…simply to sit, breathe and connect with reality. It has brought about clarity in my life; what relationships are detrimental to my well being, which are helpful, when to step into something new and when to slightly hold back. But the greatest thing it has brought about is an awareness of what my heart wants; living from the heart instead of being drown in neurotic babble within my brain. A genuine life. One where enough of the past (somatic tension) has been released so as love and compassion can flow THROUGH me because I started to learn how to love those “unwanted” aspects of myself, how to relax my grasping and aversion to reality.

I’m thinking of all this because I am about to enter a 10-day solitary, meditation retreat next weekend. Very excited for the experience that silence, solitude and 10-days of just simply being with all aspects of self bring about. I’m also have some anxiety about the retreat. A lot can happen in an hour of meditation, even more so in a full day and night of such practice. But mostly, I am grateful. Grateful that there were beings who came across my path willing to share their experience with me; and who still do. Grateful that I have the physical health, financial situation and support to enable me to do such beautiful work.

Wow, quite a page I’ve written here..ha! The way you so honestly express your experience always brings out my own personal reflection. And for that, I am also grateful.

So, as you sit, I sit.
As you breathe, I breathe.
This is something I’ve been sitting with for the last day. It’s very interesting and helpful to me;

” Trungpa Rinpoche once said something that I found extraordinarily intriguing – it’s in a book called “Glimpses of Abhidharma.” He said, “Not only are people alive, not only are animals and trees alive, not only is the world alive and intelligent and has its own way of being (the so-called inanimate world) but even the energies and the events of our own psyche are living, independent entities. They are living forces. They are “beings”. Our love, our anger, even our fear want to be free; they don’t want us to hang onto them and use them.”

– Reggie Ray,  Dathün 2008-09


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