Strangling life with ambition

January 18, 2013

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As another Winter Dathun comes to end I can’t help but reflect on the last month. I did not attend this year due to the advice of my teacher, meditation instructor and psychiatrist, to take it easy on meditating for a while.

And it KILLED me not to go.

Thinking of 110 beings (approximately) sitting for nine hours a day; eating every meal Oryoki style; SERVING Oryoki !!! I love serving Oryoki. The long periods of silence and stillness and intense fire of reality in every ones eyes. And let us not forget to mention it is all set at the base of Ritro Gonpo; that magnificent mountain peak. Cradling us , nurturing us, pushing us to step out of our concepts and into the mad love of reality. My skin cried. But it was a new moment. A moment to relax and face the concepts that I was holding onto. Mainly, identifying as a meditator for security…sneaky ego (I see you).

Since August, I cut my meditation to only an hour a day and no bodywork. Just simply sat and allowed. No mahamudra (oh, believe me, I was tempted). I’ve found how dangerous ambition can be on the path. How meditating three to four hours a day can easily turn into quantity instead of quality.¬†Fantasizing about what the next session would be like tomorrow. Always pushing; not much resting.

 

Limited my practice has allowed me to rest into my day. And thankfully, the full body awareness and awareness of space has started to return. Somehow, I had forgotten the three reminders of long ago;

 

Stay home (in the body)

Invite everything

Expect nothing

 

These are not reminders from a book but rather something I took away from listening to a Winter Dathun that my ex-wife had attended. She had received a set of cd’s that had all the talks of the Dathun. And it changed my life; again.

 

Last week, I increased the meditation for two hours a day. Not out of ambition, but I could feel a genuine nudge to step into it a little more. The effect has brought tears of gratitude to my eyes. For the first time, since August, I am not riddled with anxiety, depression and fear (mentally). I am able to rest in my body in a way that concepts fall away. And most importantly, my heart is starting to open again. Instead of generating love for the world, it is flowing through me again.

 

 

To all the beings that have helped, and continue to help, others open their hearts to themselves…thank you.

 

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